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    • May 23, 2021
    • 5 min read

America's Wet Dream.

A country in crisis turns to gender reveals and flotillas.


“And good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye, singin’ this’ll be the day that I die.” Don McLean

You have to hand it to Americans. Nowhere in their history — including the Spanish Flu in 1918 — have citizens devoted so much time and energy to doing exactly what they shouldn’t.

This is America, afterall, land of the free, where every American has the right to assemble under the First Amendment. They also have the right to assert themselves under the Second Amendment, which the Las Vegas Mass Murderer did, purchasing 33 high-powered weapons in one day.

Well, even some of the Founding Fathers had reservations about the First Amendment (and the Second) back in 1788, claiming it would lead to “sedition of the highest form.” By “highest form” that must mean organized sedition as opposed to what we see at big box stores on any given Black Friday.

Now, flotillas I understand, seeing as boats are a lot like trucks, and Americans believe in both — possibly more than religion — or just as much.

Not that Americans were willing to listen back then, any more than they are now. Despite 2,000 people dying every day in America from the COVID epidemic, it hasn’t stopped protests, religious gatherings — or the craziest of them all — gender reveals and flotillas in support of Trump.

Now, I get the idea of flotillas, seeing as boats are a lot like trucks, and Americans believe in the congregation of both — possibly more than religion — or just as much.

Owning a big truck — or a big boat — defines the “go big or go home” mentality that dominates Red states like Texas and Florida, which explains why both decided to show President Trump their support with boat parades decorated with Trump flags raised high on spinnakers.

At Lake Travis, near Lakeway Texas, over 2,600 people showed up in boats of every size, with organizers telling everyone to keep their boat’s speed down to 10 mph (16 km/h). That’s a lot of ask of any Texan — especially a patriotic one. “I can’t even get my twenty foot Trump banner unfurled at that speed, son,” they said, leaning on the throttle.

This resulted in wakes swamping five boats, and sending many more limping back to port with broken bilge pumps. It’ll be a good day for salvage operators. No doubt they’re out there now dragging Lake Travis. Salvage laws are such that anything you drag in, sunk or otherwise abandoned, is fair game, and it’s hardly an irony that the big boats sank little ones.

“We’re Americans,” they’ll say, and big is always more buoyant than small, something beer-bellied Trumpsters are willing to prove—on or off the water.

Let’s turn now to Clearwater, Florida, where organizers of a Trumptilla, decided to try for a Guinness World Record. Over two thousand signed up, but it’s yet to be determined whether they had 1,180 boats needed to surpass the record set in Malaysia in 2014.

He blamed the Liberals, saying they’re attacking him and his family for “loving all things Trump.”

Another sticking point is that organizer, Carlos Gavidia, has been charged with sending texts threatening to kill or do bodily harm to a resident of his former exclusive community. He blamed the Liberals, saying they’re attacking him and his family for “loving all things Trump.”

Being a true Trump supporter doesn’t get you off the hook if you’re charged with a felony. But it does allow for statements bordering on the sublime. After Gavidia admitted to issuing threats, his lawyer, Stuart Kaplan said — with a straight face — “There’s nothing hateful about Carlos Gavidia.” Besides, issuing threats and anti-Semitic slurs ain’t racist if you have love in your heart, or a lawyer who’s paid to ignore the obvious.

Oscar Wilde once said, “America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.” Not a fan, obviously, but he makes a good point. Decadence comes in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes it’s almost babylike, a sure sign it’s American.

Take the off-duty Border Patrol agent in southern Arizona, who decided to add some pyrotechnics to a gender-reveal party. Arranging a target filled with coloured powder coinciding with the child’s sex, he ignited it with Tannerite, a legal but highly explosive substance. The result was 47,000 burned acres and $8 million worth of damage.

Then there’s the “El Dorado” fire near Palm Springs. A family hosting another gender-reveal set off a smoke-generating device, resulting in the destruction of over 10,000 acres. The family stuck around, genuinely believing it was an accident.

The penny has to drop at some point, even for new parents. — or those hoping to be new parents without a criminal record.

“I think now they understand the gravity of the situation,” Bennet Milloy, spokesman for the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection, told the Daily Mail, especially since the “Eldorado Fire” is just two miles from where the Apple fire ravaged 33,000 acres just last month.

The penny has to drop at some point, even for new parents.—or those hoping to be new parents without a criminal record. This might be far-fetched since they could be on the hook for millions in damages and possible jail time.

Strange how water seems to be the connecting tissue to all things American these days. If Americans aren’t on the end of fire hoses, they’re sliding off the stern of an 18 foot Grew. If anything makes America great, it’s water. America’s history is filled with water analogies, even Trump saying, if he’s forced to submit his tax returns, “I’m sunk.”

You could say this is America’s Wet Dream, something we do involuntarily, but it doesn’t change the condition of our pajamas. Maybe this is all part of the American decline. As Wade Davis pointed out in his Rolling Stone article “The Unravelling of America,” all signs point to a kingdom enjoying the last vestiges of world statehood.

Davis provided some startling facts, including how America has spent $6.4 trillion on wars they’ve never won. Meanwhile, China hasn’t participated in a full-fledged war since the Japanese invasion back in the late 30s.

China poured more concrete in 3 years than America did during the entire 20th century.

Instead, they invest in infrastructure, surpassing America in every way. China poured more concrete in 3 years than America did during the entire 20th century. Meanwhile, 14 American billionaires own more wealth than the rest of the country combined. Is it any wonder Americans consume two thirds of all anti-depressants worldwide—many produced in China—or that the country currently accounts for a fifth of all COVID deaths (China, on the other hand has only 4,634, placing it less than Canada).

America is showing all the signs of putting both legs in the grave, and very little will change in the years ahead, since there’s no plan, save pouring more water, which, where graves are concerned, doesn’t help at all.

As Jenna Karvunidis, the creator of the gender-reveal party has since said, “Stop having these stupid parties. For the love of God, stop burning things down to tell everyone about your kid’s penis. No one cares but you.”

Well, that’s sort of America’s Wet Dream, too, isn’t it?

Eventually, you wake up and realize first, you’re wet, second, your alone, and third, nobody cares. That has to hurt, especially gung ho Republicans who figured a boat ride would pretty much solve everything.

Unfortunately, it hasn’t.

Robert Cormack is a satirist, novelist, and blogger. His first novel “You Can Lead a Horse to Water (But You Can’t Make It Scuba Dive)” is available online and at most major bookstores. Check out Skyhorse Press or Simon and Schuster for more details.


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